The Woman in Cabin 10 Ch. 13 - 15

I didn't do four chapters this week because I went to see the new Mission Impossible movie today and that ate up two hours of my life that will never be given back to me.

I mean okay, I know these aren't deep thinky movies, but good lord, this was ridiculous. Even watching Henry Cavill run around beating people up didn't make up for this thing.

ANYWAY.

Chapter 13 starts off with Lo still at breakfast, contemplating whether or not she's losing her shit. Which she, and we, must be pretty sure she's note. One, there's the mascara, and two, she has a very distinct memory of the woman and the impression of her having been doing *something* which Lo knocked on the door. She's just...very real to Lo even though she can't prove to anyone else that she was real.

I like Lo's thought process, considering the reasons why it doesn't fit (on top of the fact that none of the staff look like the woman) for her to be a cleaner. Her clothes, her attitude, etc. why would she even be carrying around mascara if she was a cleaning woman? I mean I could argue with Lo that a cleaning woman would still take time and pride in her appearance - her hair, makeup, etc. but it's not important that Lo is wrong, just that these are the reasons that *she* doesn't think the woman was a member of the staff.

There's a good consideration of why Nilsson would like this whole problem to go away, but I think it's also important to appreciate that from his point of view there's no proof that anything has happened. Lo was, by her own admission, asleep and had been drinking. She *thinks* that she heard something like a scream and she saw something smeared on the glass. But there's no one missing from the ship and when they go into the room in question there's no evidence that anyone has been living in it and there's no evidence of a struggle or anything else.

At the same time, I like that Lo is very certain in what she heard.

"I knew what it was like to be that girl - to realize, in an instant, how incredibly fragile your hold on life could be, how paper-thin the walls of security really were."

Still, she knows that she has no proof for anyone else. All she has is the mascara - which I assume is also easy enough to get in Europe so it's not as if its some super rare item that can be traced down to a single store that only sells ten of them a year. Lo has this wacky thought about getting it DNA tested which...I mean sure? But like she realizes, it's not going to do her any good even if she can get it tested somewhere.

'Here's some random DNA.'

'Great. I'll put it with the rest.'

It's not like we have DNA databanks of everyone on the planet or anything. Not that the government will admit anyway. *shifty eyes* Not sure what it's like in Europe, or England in particular, but DNA testing is not done to every single person on the planet. I know that it's been in the news lately, what with the Golden State Killer being caught, and people are always dropping their DNA to Ancestry or 23 and Me (me too! listen, my family knows if they murder someone I am abandoning them - they got caught all on their own) but there are plenty of unsolved murders or crimes and they have DNA from the crimes, but they don't have a match in a suspect. You have to have the two things to have it make sense. A sample and something to compare the sample with.

Also, it's expensive.

The backlog of rape kits that haven't been processed in the US is just....*screams into the void* Which is not all about money, I know, there's a lot of factors that go into it, but it is a factor. Real world, police level processing is expensive.

Back to the fictional murder and violence.

Oh look, whoever went over board was definitely not Ben.

I'm so thrilled.

We also run back into Tina who I am not sure of. I like her one minute, when she's talking to Lo like a reasonable human being and then she's threatening her so clearly she was up to something the night before since she's so touchy about the whole thing.

Lo makes it back to her room to find that it's been cleaned.

And the mascara is gone.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNN

We get another one of the inserts, this time dated September 26th to tell us that Lo has been reported missing.

I like these little interjections from the outside world and the glimpses we get of what it looks like to people who aren't trapped in this little boat world. Now, the article mentions that Lo hasn't been seen according to the people on the Aurora since a stop at Trondheim which Ben mentions in the chapter won't be for another day.

So there's a narrow window for whatever is about to go down to go down.

Lo is panicking because the mascara is gone and that means that someone has been in her room, someone who knows that she knows there was some sort of crime on the boat and she is trapped on this ship with a killer. I like that she doesn't even consider that maybe the mascara was never real at all. Like...okay I know that seems insane but a lot of times in mystery books like this the woman gets gaslighted and she honestly falls for it - doubts her own sanity, thinks that she's hallucinating or dreaming or whatever.

Whatever Lo has going on, claustrophobia and anxiety and all, she knows that there was a woman in the next cabin, she definitely interacted with her and something super shady is going down.

Go Lo!

She does check with a cleaning woman in the hallway, but of course she didn't take it even though Lo probably looks like she's accusing the poor woman of stealing this cheap little makeup doohickey.

Lo calls Nilsson and he shows up, and is SUPER HELPFUL.

I mentioned gas lighting, right? Right.

Now here's where it would start to happen in many another book.

Nilsson pops in, all big and gruff and manly and listens to Lo talk about a missing mascara for like 2 seconds before he's telling her that what she says happened could definitely not have happened. And he does it so politely, so calmly, like he's dealing with a person on the edge.

"No. No, you don't get to do this......Call me 'Miss Blacklock' one minute, tell me you respect my concerns and I'm a valued passenger blah blah blah, and then the next minute brush me off like a hysterical female who didn't see what she saw!"

And I'm not blaming Nilsson for having doubts. It sounds like he went through as much of an investigation as he could. Like I said, there's no signs of a crime, no one is missing. But he is handling it as well as he can, I'm just saying that in another book Lo would fall for this line. 'oh, I must have been mistaken, I must have lost the mascara, maybe it was someone that got off the boat somehow, teehee' but no.

Lo Blacklock knows what she fucking saw and heard.

And then Nilsson tells her that he talked to Ben Fucking Howard that big mouthed little asshat why didn't he get thrown overboard? Why do I hate him so much?!?! Maybe because he can't stop talking! Did he tell Nilsson about how he groped Lo in the hallway?!?!?! I bet he fucking didn't! But he tells Nilsson all about her having been attacked and being on antidepressants and whoooo boy!

And Lo is on antidepressants and she's been drinking and of COURSE that means she can't be trusted!!!!

Woman! Mental Illness! Pills and Booze! SHE CANNOT BE TRUSTED TO KNOW THINGS!!!

I read on a kindle a lot and even when I read hard copy books, I do not throw them because I love my books too much to hurt them like that. So I keep a squishy brain and a squishy hulk nearby to throw in rage. The bounce and amuse the cats when I toss them.

I definitely threw squishy hulk.

So.

Okay.

Look.

My rage here is less about the existence of this moment in the book than it is about the way that it is handled in 10,000 other books and also in real life. There is a stigma attached to having to take mood altering drugs for any damn reason at all, or for having an atypical brain. I know way too many people who feel they have to be secretive and ashamed for taking anti-anxiety medication or antidepressants or anything else.

Now, I have to take a synthetic hormone because my thyroid doesn't work correctly. I have an autoimmune disorder and it messes up a lot of stuff in my body and sometimes my brain. But there's no shame to me telling people, 'oh, yeah, I have Hashimoto's, I have to take this little pill or my body starts trying to slowly kill itself'. But people say, 'Yes, I have depression, I take this pill to help me live the life I want to live' and people want to say, 'You just need more sun! Be happier! JUST STOP BEING SO SAD!' or anti-anxiety, 'JUST STOP BEING SO WORRIED!' or anti-psychotics or any of the other pills and medicines and therapies that we have scienced in order to make our lives better and let people who have mental illness live their fucking lives. AND THIS IS DUMB.

Mind you, I'm sure there's people out there who think if I just did XYZ then my thyroid would heal itself, but they're far less open about telling that to my face than people are dismissing treatment for any level of mental illness.

Now, this would be the part in a different book where we get Lo doubting herself and/or the dark back story that explains why she has depression, why she's anxious. You know, she saw her father murdered by a clown or she was abused, or something. Any of the million reasons that we know must cause people to be 'different' in every fictional story.

Except that what we get is Lo telling us that her childhood was good, that there's no 'on paper' reason for her 'problems'.

"The depression I fell into after university wasn't about exams and self-worth, it was something stranger, more chemical, something that no talking cure was going to fix."

People who have 'normal' brains and 'normal' bodies don't always get that. Mind, I don't understand on a personal level how someone with depression or anxiety or anything else feels and how they live their lives. But I do know what it's like to have your body just turn against you one day and it's nothing that 'happened' it's just something that happens and then that's your life and you have to deal with it the best way that you can.

And there's no shame to that and it doesn't automatically make you more or less reliable than the next person.

Okay, okay, back to the book.

More Ben, though I appreciate that it's Lo chewing him out but then she turns around and forgives him and takes him into her confidence about the whole thing? Listen, I know you used to date but he has proven to be a dick and an unhelpful one at that. Maybe stop telling him all the things?

Lo is thinking about going over Nilsson's head thanks to Ben's suggestion that she just talk to the billionaire owner Lord Bullmer who is a 'real down to earth guy' since he played cards with Ben and Co into the early hours but she can't remember if she let the mascara thing slip while she was talking to the crew so it could be someone else who slipped in and made off with the mascara. Because if she didn't, then Nilsson is the only person who knows.

Unless there was someone else in the cabin with Mystery Dead Girl - after all, Lo didn't see into the cabin when she was talking to her.

Please hold.

Okay, flipped back through the parts of her talking to the crew and I might have missed it, but I don't see her mentioning the mascara to the crew. So unless Nilsson mentioned it to someone while he was poking around, he's on a list of 'People Who Know the Mascara is a THING' which is a short list consisting of Lo, the Woman, and him. And maybe someone else in the cabin.

The Woman in Cabin 10 Ch 10 - 12

You know, I'm thinking that three chapters was too few.

It's really slowing down the plot and possibly stabbing me in the sanity.

Next week I'll do four.

Anyway.

Today begins the second most sacred week of the year, SHARK WEEK!!!

This has nothing to do with the book, I just want you all to know.

SHARKS.

Smooth ocean puppies!

Okay. Book.

Lo rushes to the balcony, making a ton of noise as she slams through her sliding door and she can't see anything in the water except maybe a hand sinking? That could just be her mind playing tricks on her - I can vouch for how hard it can be to make things out in the dark ocean especially in rough seas.

What she definitely sees is the smear of something on the glass partition. Something that might be blood, but certainly doesn't bode well for Cabin 10's occupant.

Lo understandably freaks, especially as she realizes that whoever was over in the next cabin definitely heard her and maybe even saw her face. She scoots back into her cabin and double checks the door and makes sure that the veranda doors are as secure as she can make them.

Then she calls boat 911.

I appreciate this line, 'This was it. This was real danger, and I was coping.' 

Lo is traumatized, drunk, and she has an anxiety disorder going on in the background somewhere. And she's always worried about looking weird or frightened of things and not sure that she's reacting appropriately to the situation. But this, this here, there is definite danger and she is not freezing, she is  doing the right things. Making sure she is as safe as she can be and then calling for help.

Karla, her own personal cabin slave #2, checks that Lo is safe and then says that she's sending someone up to Lo.

Lo, waiting, realizes that someone has been in her cabin and touched all of her things. Not in the weird, someone broke into your house way, but in the housekeeping way. Though I'll be honest, I haven't been home invaded or burgled or anything like that and I still find the idea of someone unpacking my things or going through my laundry and cleaning up after me weird and invasive. I'm with Lo - it kind of makes me want to cry.

I could never make it as the idle rich.

I'd have to at least do my own laundry.

Sorry.

So head of security Johann Nilsson shows up and Lo gives him the run down.

Only when they go out onto the balcony to check on the blood smear, it's gone.

Nothing.

There's a clear turn in the tone, Lo goes from seeing Nilsson to being on her side to feeling disbelieved and judged. And that's before they actually go next door to discover that the room is entirely empty. No signs of a struggle, no sign that anyone has been living there at all.

Which is what Nilsson claims is fact. That there is no one in cabin 10. The guest who was supposed to be staying in it cancelled - whoever the woman was Lo met earlier, she did not belong there.

I kind of love and feel awful for Lo that she tries to show Nilsson the mascara like it's existence proves that she borrowed it from someone. All it proves is that you have mascara, darling. And also that the bottles in your trash from the minibar have been noted and you're drunk.

Nilsson agrees to come to Lo at 8 the next morning, to take her around and see if she can identify the woman among the staff. He obviously believes that she's drunk and having some sort of episode. After all, there's no sign of anything having gone wrong in the cabin. There's no one being reported missing among the guests or the crew and it's a small vessel so someone missing would be noticed.

Though I'd argue with that, if someone wasn't where they were meant to be for even an innocuous reason, but the rest of the crew thought they were somewhere else, someone could go missing really fast. Enough people go missing off of cruises and those things have security cameras.

It's obvious that Nilsson doesn't believe her and I can't really entirely blame him. He came up, obviously was woken up, and checked out the report. There's no evidence, other than Lo's word and she's drunk and was asleep when she heard whatever it was that she heard.

I can vouch for having sworn that I saw or heard things while awake only to wake up and find out that I was asleep the whole time. Dreams are weird.

Chapter 12 starts up with Lo, hungover, getting the 8 am Nilsson wake up call that she demanded.

By the time she cleans herself up, Nilsson is waiting patiently for her in the hall.

A good chunk of the chapter is taken up with Lo being taken below decks and in the private crew areas to meet everyone and find out that 1) no one is missing and 2) no one matches her description of the woman. I might regret not naming everyone later, but I doubt it. Suffice to say that even when Lo admits that in the more sober light of day she's maybe not sure of what she heard, Nilsson insists that she meet every member of the crew that could possibly be Cabin Girl. I'm guessing to put Lo's mind at ease - she can't claim that it was that one crew member she didn't meet if she meets them all.

Lo remains certain that the woman was real, however, because of the mascara.

And the fact that if she wasn't real, if she's not dead, some sort of stow away that's been murdered, that means Lo is losing her mind.

The Woman in Cabin 10 Ch. 7 - 9

Okay, Chapter 7. 

Apparently being silly rich also means making impractical design choices? 

The dining/drawing/meeting room on the Aurora is all white. Even Lo calls this out as impractical and you know that some poor members of the cleaning crew have to go over this place any time someone so much as breathes in its general vicinity. 

But I guess it's just a symbol of wealth and power. 'This is ridiculous but I can afford to have a ridiculous room/thing/outfit that cannot possibly be used in a regular manner.' *waves fancy baton*

We get to meet Mr. Lederer properly this time - turns out he's a photo journalist of the kind that normally does endangered species and at-risk environments. But he took the invitation to do this job for reasons that do not get disclosed. Cole. Cole Lederer. 

It's all just a meet and greet and we get some more characters. Tina West, a writer for Vernean Times (not gonna lie, I like the name); Alexander Belhomme who does foodie related travel apparently and Archer Fenlan representing the 'extreme travel' grouping. 

We also meet Ben Howard who I believe is a dick and would like to push over board. He used to work with Lo, but has moved on to other magazines. He is also, seemingly, rather good at his job. Still want to push him overboard. 

Anyway. It seems like a good chunk of the guests are travel writers of one flavor or another, which makes sense as a publicity tour. The rest are Lord Bullmer level rich people and Lord Bullmer and Lady Bullmer herself. It seems as though Lady Bullmer is very ill, however, breast cancer from what Ben says. Turns out one of the two of them did their research and it was not Lo. 

I'm going to not accept judgment on Lo since she has been having a very harsh couple of days. Though maybe research should have been done before the last minute? But maybe she did and it just slipped her mind. Not just because of stress but because Lo is back to drinking to medicate her anxiety and I'm just going to sit here and breathe calmly for her, okay? 

Lo gets propositioned by a drunk Cole who would like to get revenge on his cheating wife by also cheating. I like to think that Lo wouldn't have taken him up on it, she doesn't seem like she's into it, but luckily we're interrupted by the call to dinner so that'll be a problem for later Lo, maybe.

Dinner is in another tiny yet super impractical room. 

Alright, so there are two tables set up for 6 people each but both tables have an empty setting when everyone is seated. The one at Lo's table is for Mrs. Lederer who will most definitely not be joining them and the assumption is that the one at the other table is for Lady Bullmer who was not feeling well and decided to eat in her room. So we get a final passenger count at 11 people - not counting however many crew there are supposed to be. Two reserved attendants per passenger, so 24 of them and then the rest of the crew? We're already at 35 people - I still don't think the ship is as small as Lo thinks it is. 

And Madam Cabin 10 is not among the guests. 

Lo is having a nice little chit chat with the people at her table, Chloe who is a model and maybe actually in love with her husband, given them holding hands beneath the table when Chloe asks about the bruise on Lo's face. She tells them the story rather than have them think she's in an abusive relationship and Archer McWilderness Man decides that dinner is a great place to show off some self defense techniques. He gets Lo to stand up and before she can do anything he grabs her. 

Chloe calls him off and of course he tries to play it off like 'ha ha hope I didn't scare you little lady' and Lo is very much trying to play it off too but I think Chloe sees through it. I like Chloe. I hope you're not murdered, or the killer, Chloe. 

Apparently they rotate seats after the different courses which is a good way to get the guests to talk to one another I think. Lo never seems to be near Lord Bullmer, who is sort of her reason for being there but after dinner Cole startles Lo and then tries to get her some time with Bullmer to make up for her spilling her coffee because of him. 

Doesn't quite work but Bullmer agrees to talk to her tomorrow and we find out that he and Cole went to school together so Cole is doing this photo shoot thing as a favor to a friend. 

Lo heads back to her cabin, so very, very drunk around 11 pm. And Ben Fucking Howard comes up and gropes her and she knees him in the balls. Overboard with this asshole!

Please just imagine me rage screaming a while here for this next part. 

Ben Fucking Howard and Lo used to date, a million years ago, and he left and somehow he regrets this and so drunk gropes her like it's a romantic fucking gesture?!?!! And then she tells him he doesn't need to apologize because it's her stress, not the fact that she told him to go away and then he reached into her dress and grabbed a boob that is the problem here?!?!?!

And then she tells Ben Fucking Howard about the robbery and things she didn't tell Judah and I WANT TO STAB HIM. 

He doesn't need to know these things. He doesn't deserve to know shit. 

He deserves to get that knee to the balls and then to be chucked into the ocean.

It would be one thing if Lo was inviting his attention and was willingly participating and then freaked out because of a flashback. No one to blame there, both of them thought it was okay until it wasn't. But she told him to go away. She did not say 'hey, Ben, Ben old buddy old pal you know what would be great? If you could grab my breast!' No. She told him to go away and he SHOVED HIS HAND DOWN HER DRESS!!!

He gets no sympathy. 

He gets an anchor to the face. 

UGH. 

We hates him, precious. 

He leaves, eventually, with Lo having flashes of fear about 'what if he doesn't leave what if he turns around and I can't fight him off' and have I mentioned wanting to throw him overboard? And Lo goes to sleep eventually. 

She wakes, later, shocked out of sleep. 

At first she decides that it's just her paranoia, she talks herself down but then as she's trying to read or do anything to try and fall back asleep she keeps going over the awakening in her mind, wondering why it felt like she'd woken up to a scream. 

Then, laying there, she hears to door to the veranda in cabin 10 slide open. 

And then she hears the splash. 

Like a body hitting the water. 

Maybe it's Ben. 

We could only be so lucky.

There's a bit of Facebook style comment/posts with Judah asking if anyone has heard from Lo. The date stamp is September 24, and people who reply say they haven't heard from her since the 20th so that's four days with her not reaching out to anyone. 

And that's three days after she just heard a body go overboard by my estimation. 

No reason for concern at all...

The Woman in Cabin 10 Ch. 4-6

Staying on schedule, come hell or high water.

*eyes baby nephew Who Does Not Sleep* You know what you've done.

*cracks knuckles*

I think we're still pretty firmly in the set up portions of the novel here, and let me say that sticking to three chapters a week is killing me. I could be done with this book by now people.

But rules is rules.

Chapter 4 picks up the next morning, with Lo and Judah having gotten a little bit of sleep and Lo needing to get her ass in gear so she can get to her new assignment.

The whole, 'I turned down a job in America for you' thing does not just go away, no, it does not. Lo seems to be in the middle of stabbing her relationship in the throat so that she can continue to maybe not deal with things having to change. Which I kind of get.

Not the relationship thing because I don't date, no, thank you, but the sabotaging (not that she's entirely wrong) things so that I don't have to do CHANGE because it is scary and uncertain.

Lo and Judah have it out, and there's a valid point when Lo throws out that she never asked Judah to *not* take the job for her, that that was totally his decision. Which is true, but it's also pretty clear that they are not on the same page of their relationship - Judah seems to be further ahead in the 'move in with me and make a life' and maybe babies? Babies have not been mentioned but I do assume that babies could be a thing.

Of course that could just be the constant baby smell that has permeated my life.

Babies smell. Not the bad, 'oh shit that diaper is destroyed' smell but a smell. Of baby. I cannot explain but it is a thing.

Also, I stand corrected. Babies are mentioned but it's not a solid YES baby or NO baby. More about how Lo does not want to be Little Susie Homemaker while Judah is out being a Dangerous Photographer.

Lo, running on, as she points out, 'two hours of sleep in the last three nights' and traumatized and guilty for hitting Judah in the face (which he does throw at her a little - no one here is perfect) and again sabotaging the shit out of change, breaks up with Judah? I (and they both) think?

"'Bye, Judah."

"'Bye? What do you mean, 'bye?"

"Whatever you want."

"What I want is for you to stop acting like a goddamn drama queen and move into my flat. I love you, Lo!"

And Lo nopes the fuck out because she's exhausted and having flashbacks (or just really heavy memories) of the break in and she's gone, with a 'I can't do this' and not much else.

I think, I hope, that the 'drama queen' comment is actually a long running frustration and not Judah being pissy about Lo's behavior post robbery/attack. Because one is understandable and the other is shitty and Judah I do not want you to be shitty.

'I love Ports. I love the smell of tar and sea air, and the scream of the gulls....Airports say work and security checks and delays. Ports say...I don't know. Something completely different. Escape, maybe.'

The Aurora is much smaller than Lo thought, which does not help with the claustrophobia. Though, to be honest, my sense of size and such things is not great so I'm not sure how big the ship is supposed to be. Smaller than a giant cruise liner, but larger than a regular sailing ship since it has a butt ton of amenities and ten cabins. So that seems pretty big to me, but maybe this is really a factor of Lo's own issues? It seems smaller in her description than it could possibly be with everything that's listed on it.

We meet Camilla the stewardess (I think she's probably not a stewardess but maybe the head of 'housekeeping' or whatever its called on a ship) whose job is currently to greet every guest and give them champagne as their stuff is whisked away.

We also meet another guest, Mr. Lederer, whose wife will very explicitly not be joining him. She's apparently having an affair.

Lo is in Cabin 9 (the Linnaeus Suite) and there's apparently a theme to the naming of rooms on the ship and if I knew anything at all about Scandinavian scientists this might be something that meant something to me.

But I don't.

The 'Nobel' suite is being occupied by Lord and Lady Bullmer who own the company that owns the ship. Lord Bullmer was the sort of noble whose family ran out of money and Lady Bullmer is apparently the actress who marries into nobility and brings along the money.

I'm sure their love is pure.

Jesus, every cabin has two stewards so they have around the clock service. Lo gets Josef and Karla.

I might murder someone to live on this boat.

Cabin 9 is lovely and light and appealing and all Lo wants to do is sleep so of course Josef spends a million years explaining all the amenities.

Also, formal dining every night?

NO. I would be in my pjs in the cabin just lolling about in luxury. Fancy dress.

NOPE.

Lo watches the ship cast off and watches the shore line retreat.

She checks her phone one last time, sort of hoping for a message from Judah because she's maybe not broken up with him (she definitely loves him too, she just has issues stemming from I know not what).

But of course there's nothing and then the signal drops and she's on her own.

"But there was nothing. The signal dropped by one bar, and then another, and the phone in my hand was silent. As the coast of England disappeared from view, the only noise was the crashing of the waves."

You know, so far this is a pretty basic book but some of the lines are just very lovely.

Okay, so going by Lo's count this is September 20. The attack was on the early morning of the 18th and she's been going for three days.

Which makes the date stamping on the end of this chapter concerning. We get an email from Judah dated September 22 asking if Lo is okay, he hasn't heard from her for a couple of days. And also him telling her that he loves her and misses her and basically just that he is waiting for her when she gets back.

We also get an email from Lo's boss dated September 23 asking for an update since no one from work has heard from her either and she hasn't turned in anything for her story. So we've got....three days of silence.

I'm sure this is fine.

Chapter 6 actually rolls us back to immediately after the last chapter ends, so we're back to the 20th of September.

Lo goes to take a shower and she's considering how expensive this whole damn everything is and how much she would have to work to actually pay for the week she's experiencing and there's a weird sound outside the shower in her room.

She *basically* doesn't freak out too badly for someone in her situation and scoots out of the shower to try and figure out what's going on.

'Was this what it was going to be like? Was I turning into someone who had panic attacks about walking home from the tube or staying the night alone in the house without their boyfriend? 

'No, fuck that. I would not be that person.'

She maintains her cool while also maybe panicking a little on the inside, but she doesn't cower in the bathroom. She keeps telling herself not to be that person which is harsh. She had a frightening thing happen to her. She was in danger and she was hurt and she is not dealing with it at all and her telling herself not to be afraid is maybe what she needs to do to get through this but it is also, I think, not super helpful in the long run.

'I imagine burying my face in Judah's shoulder and for a second I nearly burst into tears, but I clenched my teeth and swallowed them back down. Judah was not the answer to all this. The problem was me and my weak-ass panic attacks.'

I don't have panic attacks. I just don't have that kind of brain chemistry. Which is not to say that I don't panic, but I just mean that I don't have personal experience of this kind of feeling. But I can't imagine that a therapist would be thrilled with Lo's self hate/degradation on this point.

Sure, 'nothing bad happened' could be said except that it's a lie. No, Lo wasn't raped. She wasn't beaten or murdered or a thousand other things that could have happened. But she was victimized. She was robbed and threatened and terrified for her life with no resolution and no time to deal with what it has done to her.

I don't think her being on edge is an overreaction.

Sure, she clearly has some sort of anxiety disorder already but that doesn't invalidate the anxiety causing things that are going on in her life.

There's no one in the room, her cabin door is double locked and it was probably just the motion of the ship that made the bathroom door move. So Lo empties a couple of the little mini bottles from the minibar.

I want to shake her.

Lo emails her mom, tries to write an email to Judah a couple of times, and FB messages a friend of hers.

She does eventually email Judah, and tells him that she loves him but it's certainly not the same as saying it to his face.

Lo starts to get all fancy for dinner and realizes that she's lost her mascara - it was in the purse that was stolen. So, after hearing a toilet flush in Cabin 10 (which is right next to hers in the butt end of the ship) she scoots over there to see if she can borrow some.

Which is...I also don't really wear makeup. Too many allergies so I don't bother. But please let me tell you how wigged out I am at the thought of using another woman's eye make up.

SO WIGGED.

NO.

NO.

Eye diseases!!! I don't know which ones, but EYE DISEASES.

Anyway.

Pretty, relaxed woman eventually opens the door and after being confused as to who the hell Lo is and what the hell she wants, gives her some mascara that she very specifically does not want back.

Me too, mystery lady. Me too.

And off we go, very fancy, to fancy ass dinner.

Next week.

The Woman in Cabin 10 - Ch. 1-3

First book is going to be The Woman in Cabin 10 by Ruth Ware.

I've read it before, but it's one that I enjoyed a lot. I loaned it to a co-worker recently and she loved it too. But she also talked about a couple of things that I couldn't recall happening, so I thought this would be a good candidate for the start of this.

Also, fair warning, this is never going to be a spoiler free blog. I'm talking about the book as I read it, so there will be spoilers as I go.

First line of the book:

"In my dream, the girl was drifting, far, far below the crashing waves and the cries of the gulls in the cold, sunless depths of the North Sea."

Lots of people say that the first line of a book sets the tone, and that's probably true but they don't tend to stick out or at least stick in my memory. I mean one exception is 'The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault.' from The Dresden Files but that involves magic and flying monkeys that fling fiery poo so...

Anyway.

We'll see if the first line suits the rest of the book.

There's a bit of a prologue? Maybe? Is one italicized page a prologue? IDK. Anyway.

Romantic description of a rotting dead body floating around in the ocean that turns out to be the dream referenced in the first line and then our POV wakes up to find that someone has broken(? - I mean I'm assuming here) into their room and written 'STOP DIGGING' on the bathroom mirror.

And then the book starts.

Chapter One starts by date stamping us - September 19.

We start with waking up and knowing that something is Not Right. I think that's something we all know, right? Maybe not the waking up, but we all have a very good sense of our space, of our territory and if someone has been in our shit we know it. I know I annoyed the shit out of family for years by knowing any time they came in and touched my books. Because it's my territory and I know when you've been at it, don't lie.

Something's off, the cat (Delilah) is in the bedroom and she should not be but maybe just drinks based forgetfulness? There's an instinct here that is telling the protagonist that Shit is Happening but she's hung over and sleepy and she's not sure so she rationalizes it all away and in spite of the fact that the Cat is Not Where She Should Be and the Bedroom Door is Magically Closed, she decides that this is all fine.

It is not, in fact, all fine.

"But when I opened the bedroom door, there was a man standing there."

Which is 100% terrifying - never mind that he's covered head to toe and wearing latex gloves - you open up a door in your house or turn the corner and someone who should not be there is there - or hell, you're just not expecting them to be there even if they're harmless and they belong, is wet your pants surprise territory.

But this dude does not belong.

He and Protag stare for a few minutes, and she wants to do a lot of stuff but us frozen in fear and then, when she realizes he has her purse which has her cell phone - a common problem now that didn't used to exist - we all rely so much on cellphones. And he comes towards her. There's a second where you think, and so does she, that maybe he's going to assault her - rape and murder is a real big and rational fear - but thankfully all he does is slam the door in her face.

The cat has peaced out into the rest of the apartment and with Protag trying to hold the door shut in case the guy should circle back around she can hear him trashing her apartment.

It's only when she can hear Delilah purring outside the bedroom door that she gets up the nerve to try and see if he's left - only to discover he's broken the door handle off? Or maybe just removed it somehow - this is set in Britain somewhere and maybe doors are different there? I'd think you'd hear the guy hammering off the other side of the door handle and would the inside bit stay on? I have not tested this to find out.

Two hours later, Protag has managed to McGuyver her way out of her locked bedroom - because it's an underground apartment there's no damn window without a security bar set up and here we run into my theory that rooms do not belong under ground. They are creepy and extra dangerous and unnecessary. That just seems like a damn fire hazard, to be honest.

Anyway.

Delilah is fine (thank you, no unnecessary animal deaths in my murders please) and Protag scoots her way over to the neighbor who, once awoken because this is all happening in the ass crack of the morning, gets her some tea (checks to ask if he...'hurt' Protag) and then gets her a phone to call the police.

We don't call British 911 because it's no longer an emergency since the guy is gone? Not sure if that's the right way to go, but I know I damn well would be calling 911 at least in part because it's the only number that would come to mind!

There's a good deal of men thinking that the poor little lady victim is just helpless and being condescending to her here. I mean maybe the locksmith means well, but he keeps asking if she can remember things to tell her husband to get fixed - hint, she's not married and she can remember a couple of numbers, thanks - and then once she tells him she's not married there's a reaction like, 'HUH. That makes sense then.' As if, had there been a man about, she would not have been robbed.

And THEN the weasely little officer who comes to take her statement just bangs away at her door like she hasn't just been traumatized in her own home and when she drops her tea cup makes a comment about whether or not there's a second robbery going on! I know that dark/gallows humor is a thing, but there's also being aware and considerate of the victim who cut herself getting out of her room and also has a cut on her face from being assaulted during the robbery - the door caught her in the face when he slammed it shut.

We find out that Protag's name is Lo and that she works for a travel magazine. A travel magazine she forgot to tell she wouldn't be in because of the robbery. There's bits about the big break assignment she's going on for this new luxury private ship (which might be important, given the title of the book) and there's some hints about how much this story is going to do for Lo's career.

She also, in these pages, decides to not mention the robbery to her boyfriend Judah - she just emails him to tell him that she lost her phone. He is currently out of town for work.

I'm sure this won't backfire on anyone at all.

There's hints that Lo might have some anxiety - not just from the attack but an anxiety disorder and maybe some claustrophobia given her stressing between closing the bathroom door to feel secure and her not wanting to feel trapped in a small space. There was also mention, earlier, of her medicine having been in the purse that the robber took but no exact prescription or diagnosis is given.

This is important because when Lo tries to get some sleep, she's unable to and turns to alcohol in an attempt to self medicate into something like rest. She drinks what seem like some pretty damn stiff gin and tonics and passes out - until Delilah wakes her up two hours later.

Tick through Saturday and Lo trying to get some prep done for the trip and then we're at Saturday night and sleep is not a thing that is happening. She decides that the best thing to do - no, she's not drinking again which is probably a good choice - is to randomly wander about the city in the middle of the night.

Seems legit.

"I should have felt afraid - a thirty-two-year-old woman, clearly wearing pajamas, wandering the streets in the small hours. But I felt safer out here than I did in my flat. Out here, someone would hear you cry."

Listen, this woman is so freaked out that she is wandering the streets of London in her pajamas in the RAIN. Rain that she didn't even notice until she was soaked through. This is a problem. There is some rough stuff going on in her brain right now and she does not have a safe space to just feel safe and not lose her shit even though she is trying damn hard to hold it together.

She is trusting random strangers in the middle of the night in a big city to keep her safer than she feels in her own home.

Girl.

Lo winds up in Judah's empty apartment, in his empty bed. She has stripped off her wet clothes in a rose petal like trail to the bedroom because she is just DONE and finally manages to get some sleep. Sleep that ends with screaming and someone on top of Lo and she brains them with a lamp.

Turns out 'someone' is Judah who came home to a trail of manky wet pjs and his girlfriend naked and screaming bloody murder in his bed. He tried to wake her up and well. It goes poorly for him.

One hospital trip later and he's got his lip stitched up, probably a decent shiner, and the hopes that the tooth the emergency dentist jammed back into his jaw will take root again.

Lo has to explain the whole thing, which maybe she could have just mentioned in an email or with the cell phone that she picked up in the mean time so he didn't just try to wake her the fuck up!

Okay, okay, I know, Lo is traumatized and she's just holding on to normal with her fingertips here but poor Judah had no idea because I feel like he would not have just hopped into the bed and then tried to grab her when she started having her nightmare if he'd had a clue.

So many things could be solved if people just talked and did what I told them to do.

Little bit of 'Hey, welcome home, sorry I brained you with your own lamp!' sex and then there's some tiny relationship drama where we find out that Jude (Judah's nick name) has asked Lo to move in with him before and he has actually turned down a job in America (he's American) to stay in the UK with Lo but that Lo keeps telling him she needs more time.

And this might, MIGHT, be putting a strain on their relationship.

And that's the end of the first three chapters. Mostly set up, giving us some info on Lo and what's going on with her in her 'normal' setting. It seems like we might also be getting some hints that Lo is not 'typical' so we'll see if that comes back into play later.

So far no murders!

Hopefully I'll be earlier in the day next week for the next three chapters. I'm sort of coming in under the wire with this one, but I made it and that's all that matters!