The Woman in Cabin 10 Ch. 4-6

Staying on schedule, come hell or high water.

*eyes baby nephew Who Does Not Sleep* You know what you've done.

*cracks knuckles*

I think we're still pretty firmly in the set up portions of the novel here, and let me say that sticking to three chapters a week is killing me. I could be done with this book by now people.

But rules is rules.

Chapter 4 picks up the next morning, with Lo and Judah having gotten a little bit of sleep and Lo needing to get her ass in gear so she can get to her new assignment.

The whole, 'I turned down a job in America for you' thing does not just go away, no, it does not. Lo seems to be in the middle of stabbing her relationship in the throat so that she can continue to maybe not deal with things having to change. Which I kind of get.

Not the relationship thing because I don't date, no, thank you, but the sabotaging (not that she's entirely wrong) things so that I don't have to do CHANGE because it is scary and uncertain.

Lo and Judah have it out, and there's a valid point when Lo throws out that she never asked Judah to *not* take the job for her, that that was totally his decision. Which is true, but it's also pretty clear that they are not on the same page of their relationship - Judah seems to be further ahead in the 'move in with me and make a life' and maybe babies? Babies have not been mentioned but I do assume that babies could be a thing.

Of course that could just be the constant baby smell that has permeated my life.

Babies smell. Not the bad, 'oh shit that diaper is destroyed' smell but a smell. Of baby. I cannot explain but it is a thing.

Also, I stand corrected. Babies are mentioned but it's not a solid YES baby or NO baby. More about how Lo does not want to be Little Susie Homemaker while Judah is out being a Dangerous Photographer.

Lo, running on, as she points out, 'two hours of sleep in the last three nights' and traumatized and guilty for hitting Judah in the face (which he does throw at her a little - no one here is perfect) and again sabotaging the shit out of change, breaks up with Judah? I (and they both) think?

"'Bye, Judah."

"'Bye? What do you mean, 'bye?"

"Whatever you want."

"What I want is for you to stop acting like a goddamn drama queen and move into my flat. I love you, Lo!"

And Lo nopes the fuck out because she's exhausted and having flashbacks (or just really heavy memories) of the break in and she's gone, with a 'I can't do this' and not much else.

I think, I hope, that the 'drama queen' comment is actually a long running frustration and not Judah being pissy about Lo's behavior post robbery/attack. Because one is understandable and the other is shitty and Judah I do not want you to be shitty.

'I love Ports. I love the smell of tar and sea air, and the scream of the gulls....Airports say work and security checks and delays. Ports say...I don't know. Something completely different. Escape, maybe.'

The Aurora is much smaller than Lo thought, which does not help with the claustrophobia. Though, to be honest, my sense of size and such things is not great so I'm not sure how big the ship is supposed to be. Smaller than a giant cruise liner, but larger than a regular sailing ship since it has a butt ton of amenities and ten cabins. So that seems pretty big to me, but maybe this is really a factor of Lo's own issues? It seems smaller in her description than it could possibly be with everything that's listed on it.

We meet Camilla the stewardess (I think she's probably not a stewardess but maybe the head of 'housekeeping' or whatever its called on a ship) whose job is currently to greet every guest and give them champagne as their stuff is whisked away.

We also meet another guest, Mr. Lederer, whose wife will very explicitly not be joining him. She's apparently having an affair.

Lo is in Cabin 9 (the Linnaeus Suite) and there's apparently a theme to the naming of rooms on the ship and if I knew anything at all about Scandinavian scientists this might be something that meant something to me.

But I don't.

The 'Nobel' suite is being occupied by Lord and Lady Bullmer who own the company that owns the ship. Lord Bullmer was the sort of noble whose family ran out of money and Lady Bullmer is apparently the actress who marries into nobility and brings along the money.

I'm sure their love is pure.

Jesus, every cabin has two stewards so they have around the clock service. Lo gets Josef and Karla.

I might murder someone to live on this boat.

Cabin 9 is lovely and light and appealing and all Lo wants to do is sleep so of course Josef spends a million years explaining all the amenities.

Also, formal dining every night?

NO. I would be in my pjs in the cabin just lolling about in luxury. Fancy dress.

NOPE.

Lo watches the ship cast off and watches the shore line retreat.

She checks her phone one last time, sort of hoping for a message from Judah because she's maybe not broken up with him (she definitely loves him too, she just has issues stemming from I know not what).

But of course there's nothing and then the signal drops and she's on her own.

"But there was nothing. The signal dropped by one bar, and then another, and the phone in my hand was silent. As the coast of England disappeared from view, the only noise was the crashing of the waves."

You know, so far this is a pretty basic book but some of the lines are just very lovely.

Okay, so going by Lo's count this is September 20. The attack was on the early morning of the 18th and she's been going for three days.

Which makes the date stamping on the end of this chapter concerning. We get an email from Judah dated September 22 asking if Lo is okay, he hasn't heard from her for a couple of days. And also him telling her that he loves her and misses her and basically just that he is waiting for her when she gets back.

We also get an email from Lo's boss dated September 23 asking for an update since no one from work has heard from her either and she hasn't turned in anything for her story. So we've got....three days of silence.

I'm sure this is fine.

Chapter 6 actually rolls us back to immediately after the last chapter ends, so we're back to the 20th of September.

Lo goes to take a shower and she's considering how expensive this whole damn everything is and how much she would have to work to actually pay for the week she's experiencing and there's a weird sound outside the shower in her room.

She *basically* doesn't freak out too badly for someone in her situation and scoots out of the shower to try and figure out what's going on.

'Was this what it was going to be like? Was I turning into someone who had panic attacks about walking home from the tube or staying the night alone in the house without their boyfriend? 

'No, fuck that. I would not be that person.'

She maintains her cool while also maybe panicking a little on the inside, but she doesn't cower in the bathroom. She keeps telling herself not to be that person which is harsh. She had a frightening thing happen to her. She was in danger and she was hurt and she is not dealing with it at all and her telling herself not to be afraid is maybe what she needs to do to get through this but it is also, I think, not super helpful in the long run.

'I imagine burying my face in Judah's shoulder and for a second I nearly burst into tears, but I clenched my teeth and swallowed them back down. Judah was not the answer to all this. The problem was me and my weak-ass panic attacks.'

I don't have panic attacks. I just don't have that kind of brain chemistry. Which is not to say that I don't panic, but I just mean that I don't have personal experience of this kind of feeling. But I can't imagine that a therapist would be thrilled with Lo's self hate/degradation on this point.

Sure, 'nothing bad happened' could be said except that it's a lie. No, Lo wasn't raped. She wasn't beaten or murdered or a thousand other things that could have happened. But she was victimized. She was robbed and threatened and terrified for her life with no resolution and no time to deal with what it has done to her.

I don't think her being on edge is an overreaction.

Sure, she clearly has some sort of anxiety disorder already but that doesn't invalidate the anxiety causing things that are going on in her life.

There's no one in the room, her cabin door is double locked and it was probably just the motion of the ship that made the bathroom door move. So Lo empties a couple of the little mini bottles from the minibar.

I want to shake her.

Lo emails her mom, tries to write an email to Judah a couple of times, and FB messages a friend of hers.

She does eventually email Judah, and tells him that she loves him but it's certainly not the same as saying it to his face.

Lo starts to get all fancy for dinner and realizes that she's lost her mascara - it was in the purse that was stolen. So, after hearing a toilet flush in Cabin 10 (which is right next to hers in the butt end of the ship) she scoots over there to see if she can borrow some.

Which is...I also don't really wear makeup. Too many allergies so I don't bother. But please let me tell you how wigged out I am at the thought of using another woman's eye make up.

SO WIGGED.

NO.

NO.

Eye diseases!!! I don't know which ones, but EYE DISEASES.

Anyway.

Pretty, relaxed woman eventually opens the door and after being confused as to who the hell Lo is and what the hell she wants, gives her some mascara that she very specifically does not want back.

Me too, mystery lady. Me too.

And off we go, very fancy, to fancy ass dinner.

Next week.